Your Heart Sings To Me

To admit that you are in love is to give up a piece of you. I have no doubts about this. I let her go many times before, and its only now that I feel completely empty without her. Imagine getting 500 billion dollars in a box in the mail. Even then you would be no where close to as lucky as I was to have her. "She was the real deal." I told myself. "She has to be the one." I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her but I gave up everything for alcohol and drugs. She stuck around for a while and let me have several more chances with her, but I messed all those up too. I don't deserve to even be able to talk to her, but she is at least talking back to me now.

She has a heartbeat that could lead a techno chorus. The first time I heard it, i knew it was singing right to me. We used to walk to a pond close to my house. It was always very pretty and quiet there. We could talk, I would play her songs that I wrote specifically for her on the guitar and try my best to sing. We could hold hands and cuddle until our hands and bodies were sore. We could see each other every single day of the week ritualistically and never be bored... always satisfied just being together. There was always something about her that I would never be able to find in anyone else. There is a characteristic that doesn't have a word and one that no one else would ever be able to have... she had it. Her eyes usually either blinded me or put me to sleep because they were so gorgeous. Every inch of her body sent chills up my spine every time I saw her.

In time, I found out how passionate she was. I found out all the spots I could kiss just to get her shoulders to rise and her toes curl. She found out all the things she could do to make my arm hair stand on end and make my lips squeeze tightly shut. We were so comfortable around each other... anything was possible. We were on top of the world for a short period of time. Then I ruined it and brought unfaithfulness and all kinds of intoxication into the relationship. Further and further down the rabbit hole I went and further and further my goddess slipped away from me. I'm one of those people that misses the big picture and doesn't realize it until its way too late. I overstayed my welcome with her. "I'm sorry," came out of my mouth more times than you could even fathom. I buried myself in a lie and I was trapped there with no escape. It took losing her to realize that I was not only ruining my life but many others.

She was my everything, she still is. She was my heart and soul, and still is. She was the hope that I never had, the dream I always wanted, the one I couldn't resist, the girl that I fell head over heels for and she still is all those things. I miss her, I miss the energy we had, I miss kissing her lips, I miss listening to her heart, I miss playing in the rain with her, I miss laying in the grass with her, I miss the intimate walks in the woods, I miss having her around all the time, I miss planning out our lives together, I miss finding reasons to put everything else off just so I could hold her all night, I miss running my fingers down her neck and all the way to her toes, I miss slipping away into a blissful sleep with her right next to me, I miss waking up remembering that I am and always will be in love with this girl that has been sleeping so close to me all night, and I miss getting loved back. It hurts every time I say it but I messed up. I messed up and made things terrible. I ruined all of this just so I could get wasted. Thanks to drugs and alcohol, I have broken one of the most powerful bonds on this earth. And I am sorry.

I know there is a God and I know he is having mercy on me right now for some strange reason. I've always been told that God is a forgiving God and that there will always be a place for his children in heaven. I wish everyone could be that forgiving, but who could expect that from anyone? I know there is a God because she is talking to me again, trying to have faith in me again. She spent the night with me for the first time in a very long time. I could only sleep for about an hour at a time. I would wake up and rub her back and shoulders very lightly, trying not to wake her up, but maybe, just maybe, help her remember how things used to be. I smiled at her most of the night too. She sleeps very quietly and peaceful. It's strange having a dream about someone then waking up to see that they are asleep right next to you. Nonetheless, I have plans to make things work and I can only hope and pray that they will.