Coffee Talk

This afternoon I invited my ex girlfriend, the mother of my child, and the love of my life, out to coffee. I sat in caribou coffee waiting extremely impatiently for her... I've never wanted to see anyone so bad in my life. Since returning home I have dedicated myself to making things right with her but I've hurt her in so many different ways, so many different times, she doesn't know if she can ever heal from it. Then again its only been a week.

About a year into our relationship I broke up with her and moved out of my parents house. I moved into a party house and partied harder than I probably ever should have in my life. Drunk from morning til nightfall and repeat the next day. After a while it got old and repetitive... so i returned home and made things right with the ex. Another few months passed and I got a phone call one day that struck me down. "I am pregnant." She said. These words are not fun words to hear for any single guy. We talked about it for a while and decided we were going to get it aborted. Now if you know my parents you know that abortion is murder. They have even gone to jail for blocking off the doors of an abortion clinic. Needless to say, we weren't going to tell anyone. So we went in and set up an appointment. The day of the appointment I woke up, in agony, and made my way to her house. What made me listen to a particular song on my ipod on the way there is beyond me... but it changed my mind completely on the matter. I talked her out of it and we decided we were going to make things work.

Another couple months passed and I flipped out again and moved out of my parents house to pursue my party life again. This time getting into even more trouble than before and doing drugs that I promised myself I would never do as a teenager. I was in it bad. On the 9th month of the pregnancy I made it clear that I wanted to be there for the birth of my beautiful baby daughter. I was there and I was sincere. But it wasn't enough. I held her hand through the delivery, cut the cord, and held my daughter and cried with joy. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I couldn't even believe that I had created it. I stayed in the hospital with her until she was released and everything started out great.

I was there for her almost daily for a couple weeks then I withdrew yet again. This time I had really gone head first. Drugs, alcohol, parties, smoke outs, arrests, cursing God, cursing others, cursing my life and promising that this time it would be the death of me. Despite the fact that I was still madly in love with the mother of my child, I didn't want to own up to the responsibility. It was too much stress and I didn't want to deal with any of it. So I saw my daughter maybe once a month for a couple hours. I wasn't there for either of them. I had been so selfish that I lost the girl I love to another man and it hurt worse than any pain I had ever felt.

Time was moving so quickly that I didn't even realize what I was doing anymore. I felt like I was in a black hole and time was zipping past me without me even being able to make a single decision. Everyone lost trust in me and I still haven't got any of it back yet except for with my parents. Today when I had coffee with her, I told her the same thing I have been telling her for a week and so many other times before... "I am going to change. I am going to be there for you and my daughter even if you decide not to take me back. I will win your trust back and I will make it possible for this little girl to be in a perfect family." But my trust is too far gone for her to even process this.

I know what I need to do and I AM going to do it. I need to get my life in order before anyone starts trusting me again and if I lose her to someone else, I will be forever broken. I told her that everything heals with time. I have cheated on her, abandoned her, stepped on her, stabbed her in the back so many times over but I am so sure of myself this time because I am using God to get me through it, not myself. The Number of lives that I have ruined is almost uncountable. This year is going to be a year of repentance, a year of trust, and a year of me making amends with all of the people I have crushed including my daughter and the mother of my child. I have a purpose on this earth, and I am relying on God to point me in the right direction.