All in a matter of about a year, reality for me has become as insignificant as my feeble attempts at gaining respect within the community or at least amongst my "friends". I've pushed boundaries, made enemies, made friends, and destroyed hearts and internal organs over the past year or two.Occasionally, I stop to think about my surrealistic view of this life and wonder why I can't grasp the fundamentals of this life and the reality that it holds. It shouldn't be this hard for me to touch base with reality... but instead, I live by what I have learned and what I can't see. Lately, things have been working out alright. My only main difficulty is being able to judge severity of matters. I view things for what they ARE, not what they could be.
I never look too far ahead... I live in the now, and try to organize my priorities for the future, but hold no expectations as to what tomorrow might hold for me. I'm tired of being disappointed, I'm tired of grazing the fields of despair due to the bad parts of my life, and I'm more than tired of the people that think of me for what I've done and not who I am now.
Everything I knew as a child has dissipated between the time I was 14 up until now. I have changed my goals, my beliefs, my morals, my expectations, and my priorities have shifting dramatically over the course of 6 years. Is this even me anymore? Have I changed into someone else? Yes. I am an adult now. I live by my survival instincts instead of my fun instincts. I do what I need to do to make it in this world. I do what I need to do to succeed.
It comes down to me being shocked and traumatized by the dramatic changes taking place in my life. As much as I love and crave change, the time has come for me to settle in so that I can unfold the tension I have had building over the years. I have never settled in anywhere for that entire time. I have constantly moved, changed friends, changed areas, beliefs, jobs, pets, cars, and anything else you could imagine. This year is a special year for me... this year, I'm sticking to things... this year I'm not giving in to anyone or anything... this year, Is MY year.