The Delight

Its understandable that anyone in their right mind should have some mixed feelings about a troubling matter. Once again, the "ignorance is bliss" theory has proven its reliability. It seems that the more indifferent I get, the less I seem to procreate ideas that pull at my morals.

It takes one man to make a man. It takes one mind to make the right choices. And only one person can obtain their form of happiness by the decisions they make. I have never found it helpful to rely on anyone else for anything at all. I think for myself and try to make the best out of what I have been given... But like any human, I make mistakes just like you.

The strike system is overrated, as is the belief that someone will always be the same way. Only someone so arrogant and blinded would make a statement about people not being able to change. Look at the millions who have been changed by war. Look at the way divorce and solitude change a person. Because of spiritual conviction, people change every day... inside and out to free themselves from the sinful bondage that has been loaded on their back.

I am delighted to say that I am constantly changing. I am delighted that things are looking up for me. I am delighted that the future can always look different. I am delighted that I feel pain for once in my life. I am delighted that the love I once believed in IS real. Unfortunately the changes I've made have been noticed by all the wrong people, the "up" that I see doesn't measure up to some peoples expectations. The pain I feel is because of things I have done wrong not because something was done wrong to me, and the love I believe in is emotionally scarred and broken for eternity.

In the end, someone will have to be happy. With a down-to-earth approach, I am seeing things in a glass half full way and pressing towards stepping forward despite emotional and physical barriers. Life is tough, sad, and sometimes overwhelming, but the show must go on.

-quixotic-

My Point Of View

From my point of view the world is 99 percent bad. The implementing of destruction is most commonly found in each and every person you know or ever meet. Its a combination of the lack of moral stability and reason for being. Everyone is lazy from my point of view... even myself.

When is the last time you met someone that has everything together... without problems in life, without struggles or some kind of situation occurring? From my point of view, these people do not exist. Life just seems to be a big cover up opportunity. Its a lets-see-who-can-cover-up-their-problems-the-best-game. Everyone is a coward in my eyes. I see no perfect souls. I see people wearing masks. I see nothing but the person they make themselves out to be, not who they are. I see a lack of individualism. I see armies of youth wearing the same line of clothing, using the same lingo, and living the same life. I see people that slip ever so slowly into the party life, only to be completely sucked in by the deceiving intricate glow of intoxication. I see failures, liars, thieves, cheaters, bloodsucking insecure wasted youth marching in a single file line into an inevitable lonely fate.

In my eyes, there lies no truth but the true you. Be yourself because that is all you will ever need to be. Voice your opinion in full by making the gesture, taking the opportunity, and creating your own movement to plead for your individualism. Speak what needs be spoken, live every day like its your last, and take advantage of every progressive opportunity you can find.

-quixotic-

The Motions

Everything in life is a process. People go through things and move onto other things, change their views, rely on people then doubt them other times. Its a vicious process really. Dog eat Dog world is probably the best way to describe it.

Relying on someone takes a step of faith. To put your trust in anything but yourself takes incentive and a bit of convincing. The motions will take you on a roller coaster of emotions and ups and downs on a daily basis. Frustrations and hardships WILL come your way. But be patient, because they wont last for long.

Everyone is entitled to a license to pursue happiness. They should staple a paper copy to your birth certificate. If you are not happy, change it. If you think you won't be happy on the road you are on, do something about it.

Different points of view will pull you in different directions. Trust your heart. Trust what will make you happy now and in the future also. Plan ahead as best you can. Be ready for struggles, be ready for those roller coasters, and be ready to pursue what you want with full force.

Life is about love, hard work, trial and error, family, and personal well being. Do what it takes to clear your mind of frustrations, of anger, and of confusion. If you are confused about something, seek help from an outside source. If you have a problem with someone, ignore them, don't make the matter any more problematic than it already is.

Be true to who you are. You are nothing but an individual. You have a mind and a heart of your own. Don't let anyone tell you who you are and what you should be. Be at peace with who you are and if you aren't, change it. Do whatever it takes to be happy with the person you are. Trust that what will happen from now on will only be for your betterment. Have faith that everything happens for a reason. Put your hope in truth and base your life on what you believe in. No one can pull you down, no one can change who you are but you, and no one can stand in your way.

-quixotic-

The Focusing

There is always a higher objective that we always seem to miss. We get all tangled up in the moment and lose sight of what stands higher than anything else. I'm not referring to focusing on the straight and narrow necessarily, more so the concept of being focused on the constant change and learning that goes on inside us all. It varies from person to person... but everyone can view their objectives incorrectly.

To be able to see what lies beneath the web of intangible truths we must first be able to conceive what the ultimate objective is. Is it a plausible idea? Can you rely on that objective and be fully confident that it is now and will forever be unchanging? Understand that priorities are held at different values in different people. One may hold work before family. I, of course, completely disagree with this but it is a perfect example of how someones priorities can get confused.

Bottom line, it doesn't take a square to set your priorities straight. But stick to them with your whole heart and soul when you do find out what they may be and are sure that they are in the proper order. Your future depends on it. As unfriendly of a gesture it may seem, when someone finds reason to let you know that your priorities are not in order and that you need to shape up... it may very possibly be in your best interests to listen. Its alright to let go of your pride for a moment or two and realize that you may need to make some changes in your life. This is what human existence is all about. Trial, error, and correction of errors.

-quixotic-

The Reconstruction

After all trust and confidence has been stripped from a relationship, there are two options. Pursue a reconstruction. A new framework, a fresh ground to build on, and the common goal of recovering all of the lost feelings for each other. The other is to give up. To let all feelings for the other slip into oblivion. To try to forget all of the good times and remember that person only for the bad things just so they can be out of your head. A break-up.

Lots of things can tear two people apart. No matter what it is though, there will always be a way to mend it if both members are willing to work together to compensate for lost time, to clean out the past and fill up with the future, and to move on to a reconstructive stage that involves plenty of communication.

Like any strong structure, there is always a foundation beneath it. This is the base of the structure... this is what keeps it from sinking into the ground or being put up unevenly. Every relationship must have a base like this and it must be laid down correctly.

Being true to your word, being honest, being reliable, being there for the other person whenever they need you, having the courage to admit when you are wrong, having the ability to let go of your pride and see that the other person matters much more... these things will help build the foundation that you need to build your relationship on. These things will create a bond and a connection that will not easily be broken apart by anything.

Togetherness is the key. A one way relationship cannot and will not work. It takes two to build this foundation. It takes a lot of hopes and dreams and even more motivation to make them happen. It takes two hearts, two minds, two bodies, and one shared love to pull two people back together. It takes looking at the little things and the big things and putting both into perspective.

Life is trial and error. You don't know what will happen later on in your path until you get to that point. Every second in this life is another mystery. Every move we make and thought we think happens one at a time. The future will always be a mystery and nothing is for certain. But the path you walk must be walked carefully. Just remember, the path you take will always be a leap of faith... some maybe bigger leaps than others. But it is leaps of faith that create strong individuals. It is leaps of faith that you will test your ability to succeed.

-quixotic-

An Obstacle

I am more than sick and tired of these feeble road blocks standing in my way. I have a life I need to be living without things that would be issues in the life of an 8th grade student standing directly in my walking space. I have chosen a path of purity, righteousness, and honesty. I have chosen to leave my life of parties and mindless activities to pursue a life after God's own heart and I get spat on. I get pushed down and my knees get scraped and bruised. I get thrown around and accused, I get torn to pieces, I get remotely attacked by my enemies and all for mistakes prior to my cleansing.

What is to become of me. I, as any person should, am taking life by the horns and creating for myself a destiny worth talking about. One worth keeping on record. I am trying to excel in every aspect of my life. But know now that nothing can hold me back. I was a caged animal, restrained by the bounds of repeated intoxication and ridiculous reasoning. I was chained to my own demise and placed behind the bars of distress. And now I am free from all of it. My true colors shine through. I mold my life into the shape that I want it to be and pick and chose the aspects that I want to stay and go. I have put many things in their graves, never to be seen again. I have left my old life entirely.

I will place the pieces of my life exactly where they belong no matter what becomes of the present situation. I can work through any struggle and not let it get me down. I have a clean soul, a pure mind, and a devoted spirit. My allegiance lies with God. My heart belongs to my family and my daughter. My whole body will be used for the pursuing of a healthy life and a motivated lifestyle. I am indulging in only the purest of thoughts. I am thinking only the most faithful of things. And by the grace of God, I have been given this last chance to make my life the way it should have been long ago. And so I rest, knowing that in the morning, I will begin another day filled with love and devotion to my new life... A day that is both challenging and confusing sometimes but when the day meets its end I remember that what will become of me will only be for the betterment of mankind if I continue to follow this road I am on. I sleep knowing that God's plan for me will be just as it was intended to be if I follow this road.

I have gravitated towards a path of loneliness for in myself, I find peace and understanding. I find expressionism my way of venting emotions and feelings. These road blocks I have been facing are petty. They mean nothing to me because I stand strong, knowing that what I am doing is entirely correct and pure in every manner. Believe me, I have my priorities straight and the time for absolute change is now. I am my own shelter from harm... and I will protect myself from evil whenever possible.

-quixotic-

The Valentine

The past few valentines days have been hectic and have gone terribly wrong. This year was different... much different. She came over today, dressed in the finest way possible and looking incredible stunning too, with a gaze in her eyes that could only be marked as nothing but good intentions for the day.

I was also dressed very nicely. So we set off into our venturous valentines day celebrations. During dinner, I continually noticed her smile like I never have before. It was the happiest she had been around me in quite a while. Needless to say, it felt good to know she could smile around me again. We talked, not a whole lot, but a good amount. Not about anything too serious, just cutesy conversation.

For the first time in over a year, I felt as if things were going the way they needed to be going. I was amazed that we got along so well. And I do not think it was because it was the most romantic holiday of the year. I think it was more because a lot of feelings were expressed. Every little bit of hope she gives me helps me through the next day of winning back her trust. We still seem to be hung up on the forgiveness problem but I know she will forgive me when she is ready. I have nothing but patience for her. In fact, I will not give up... not now and not ever.

So we went and saw the movie ironically titled Valentines Day. It was a definite let down of a film but all that matters is that I got to spend an incredible 90 minutes next to the most beautiful and amazing girl in the world. As she stretched her legs across my lap and we slipped into a somewhat comfortable pretzel of a seating arrangement, I repeatedly removed my eyes from the screen to see her... and only her, sitting next to me. I thought to myself, "She IS the only girl I will ever need. She is the only girl I will ever be able to sit this comfortably next to. And she is the only girl I will ever love again." Call me an idiot, call me childish, crazy, call me whatever... but I am not the kind of guy that admits these kinds of things to myself. It took me three years to figure out where my heart belonged and it took me three years to stop doing the immature and selfish things I was doing. These weren't just spur-of-the-moment words running through my head.

This valentines day, hopefully, will be the first of many amazing valentines days with her. I do not want to miss another minute that I could have spent with her and I have more than enough making up to do. Fingers crossed, this frustration and trust issue will end soon enough. With her, I am at peace with myself. Nothing else matters when I am with her. Nothing else bothers me. She is my nirvana. I love her through and through to the very last hair on her head. Happy Valentines day.

-quixotic-

Here's To Blending In

It is impractical to think that standing out from the crowd will always give you a jump ahead on things. Sometimes it is more than necessary to blend in. But you have to be blending with the right crowd.

With every crowd, there is a slacker. With every slacker there is usually a good time. And with just about any good time with a slacker, there will be consequences.

Everyone has their own free will for a reason. It is to pull away from certain aspects of the crowd and follow the path that THEY want to be on. Every person is given a conscience to support their ability to take advantage of their free will and a clouded consciences reaps bad choices.

Indifference is a tool for obliterating outside opinions and scrambling inner thoughts. It is derived from either a broken heart or a careless spirit.

Intentions are everything. Executing them means even more.

In a world of informal and biased decision making, that which is believed can only be believed by so many others.

Housing an idea in order to transform it into an idealistic plan may end up bringing better outcome than putting a plan into action, expecting the idea to shape itself.

Obligation brings responsibility and with these, we breathe maturity.

Associating with fools and cowards and liars can bring these traits to ones own self. Destruction will seek your progress and you will be forced to succumb to the punishment of bad judgment.

An inferior individual will not be remembered for their ability to make decisions nor will anyone ever recognize what they have achieved as being of any importance at all. The power struggle will be pushed to the side and inferiority will compromise with success to reach the ultimate verdict of mediocrity. But this is only when an individual devotes their inferior mind and body to their trade or task. Mediocrity will prevail only over inferiority.

-quixotic-

Affirmation of Destiny

For so long I somehow managed to withhold from myself the first and utmost valuable treasure in my being. With my thought train scabbed over with doubt and dismay in not only my relationship but also myself, I pulled my way (torso and legs dragging behind) into a whirlwind of confusion and created for myself a disorderly lifestyle.

But there has always been an incomparable amount of potential in me to care and sympathize that I had never been able to see before I made the decision to cleanse myself from unnatural toxins and careless thinking. Fortunately I have, apparently, not fallen too far down the rabbit hole seeing as how I am 19 years young... But that will never coerce me to retreat my regrets on letting so many people down. I could be so much further in my life than I am right now, but I decided, under the influence of careless behavior, to inhabit in a world far more cursed and wretched than the one I was born into.

I am a self-proclaimed "people change" example. Although most cannot yet see it, I can and I will make it known sooner or later that I have in fact changed my entire perspective on life and will remain this way so long as I shall live on this earth. I reflect on none of my past to help me attain the future, and I disregard the mistakes I have made as being learning experiences. Nonetheless, I still see the effects my mistakes have had on my present which will forever haunt me. Yet still, these mistakes will allow me to see what kind of a person I would not and could not ever become again.

The first and most valuable treasure to me is my ability to acknowledge my own existence as being one worth putting every ounce of effort into in hopes of achievement and success in both career life and family life. My beautiful daughter will receive all the attention I should have given her long ago and so much more from this day forth. I will put my whole heart and soul into revealing to the one I love so dearly, that I am no longer under the chains and shackles of intoxication, stupidity, and degrading morals that once made me a liar, a cheater, and a coward and that I will forever be the true, faithful, passionate, and loving man she once believed me to be. I will push with every bit of my effort to be a both active and dominant member of my family. And lastly, I will strive to the best of my strength to succeed as both a student and an employee. If this is not affirmation of destiny, then there ought not be one at all.

-quixotic-

-quixotic-

Aptitude Adjustments

I have always had problems with getting things done. Getting home work in on time, getting fines or bills paid on time, keeping myself organized, and caring about things have all been things that I have seemed to not be able to accomplish very easily. I've made plenty of changes in my life in the past few months. It has been a wild ride but I have been hanging in there.

I have lost all doubt in myself. I want to succeed, I want to be organized, and I want to live up to my full potential. Most people have their doubts in me due to my seemingly reoccurring relapses in the past. But this time I believe its different. This time there are no obstacles to keep me from getting done what needs to be done because I have removed all the obstacles. This is real. This is a genuine change of heart.

Since clearing my head of all clutter, I have been recognizing even the smallest of important things and making sure that they are handled properly. I know that there is a destiny for me, I just need to start walking the path to it. School and fatherhood will more than likely be the highlights of this upcoming year for me. Maybe even preparing to be a husband hopefully.

If I put my heart into something, I can usually get it done with little to no effort. If I, even for a second, become careless though, I begin to lose sight of my goal to succeed and start to slip into a careless lifestyle again. So I have made it my number one priority to stay on top of the ball... not put things off, and keep my eyes straight ahead. There will be no looking back for me, no reflection on the past, just running full speed towards fate itself.

-quixotic-

The Refueling

Refueling your life with positive energy and people can be a struggle. You always seem to drift back into the same patterns and disruptive cognitive thinking. The energy that surrounds us all is naturally a negative energy. It comes with the package when we are born into the earth. Fortunately, we have the ability to absorb positive energy and bring in positive people into our lives.

There is an impractical rate of relapse nowadays that is both disturbing and difficult to understand. "How can someone return to that scum of a scenario they walked out of?" We ask ourselves. Well the answer directs back to the topic of carelessness. It is one of the ultimate downfalls of mankind but it is also quite preventable.

The refueling of our minds and bodies with healthy thinking and activity will promote and inscribe in us a more powerful method of processing information as well as optimizing our body's physical health.

Mental health is derived from a series of healthy brain cells working together to provide us with proper thinking. Although it is quite simple to kill these cells off using substance and stress, we can just as easily put the still existing ones to better use. Lucky for us, we have more brain cells than our minds know what to do with so when we lose a couple, the remaining cells try their best to compensate. But it is never too late to start working on mental and physical health.

The refueled life can provide us with the proper motivation, probability, stamina, and willingness to do the things that we need to be doing. Whether or not you believe that a person can truly change themselves for the better is beyond my convincing. But you should know that every person has their own free will and can adjust morals and standards to their own likings or to a socially acceptable level. By saying someone cannot change, you are forfeiting the fact that a human being has and will always have free will.

-quixotic-

The Celibate

Celibacy is an outward expression of devotion to yourself and your soul mate. Outside of marriage, sex is misused to show affection and to bestow a higher self esteem in one's self. Within marriage, sex can be a formal gesture of love and connection between the two people. Sex outside of marriage is admittance of ones own lack of control over our own bodies. Likewise, Our minds are also weakened by giving into the natural impulses that our body was built to give off.

Patience is the first and foremost quality being expressed through celibacy. Patience is one of the most rewarding characteristics in a person as well. By being patient and waiting for the bond of marriage to be activated, sex can be so much more special and mean so much more as a whole.

Unfortunately, one thing usually leads to another and sex eventually becomes just another step up from foreplay or different non intercourse related activities. Restraining from sexual pleasure all together can be very helpful when making the vow of celibacy. Its like saying, I want to be around marijuana, but I don't want to smoke it. You will eventually end up smoking it if you are around it all the time.

Celibacy can be much more difficult to achieve than completely saving sex for marriage as a virgin because you have already indulged in sexual intercourse and experienced it in entirety. But by being celibate, you are also building strong character traits and becoming a more assertive and mentally powerful individual.

Saving sex WILL be rewarding. As wonderful and incredible as it is, it could be all the more wonderful and incredible if it is saved for the person you are destined to be with and when you find that person and restrain from sexual activity until married, you will reap the rewards of a healthy bond and a powerful relationship.

-quixotic-

The Stand

Have you ever stood up for someone else? Taken their opinions and fought for them yourself? Well there are a lot of people that cannot move a muscle to take a stand for anything. There are people that cannot approach anyone with their opinions because they are afraid of getting shot down. There are people that are so weak and pathetic that they cannot even say what needs to be said when the time comes.

If you want something, you have to reach out and get it. Life and all its wonders does not fall directly into your lap. You have to stand up, speak out, and get what you want. If it means so much to you, then you would brush the sand out of your vagina and do something to get it. Continual battles in your conscience keep you from taking that stand. Who are you if you can't even stand up for yourself and your own opinions?

Wipe that frustration induced sweat off your brow and knock on the door of achievement. Grow a pair and stand up for what you need to do to get what you want. Decide that you don't care what might come out of it, you are going to be exactly what you want to be and have whatever you want by taking that stand. It's very simple, maybe you just need a little push.

-quixotic-

The Difficult

Dealing with difficult people can be frustrating, yes. It will tug at your patience, yes. But overall, dealing with difficult people can make you a much stronger person in the end. It takes time, patience, and carefully thought through words.

Difficult people are difficult only because they feel that they are right. They feel that if they give up and give into you then they will be weakened. The feel as if their intelligence has been threatened by you. Don't coax them into believing you with your opinions and knowledge, smashing it down their throat... it will not work. You have to be patient and coerce them over time that your opinion is the more powerful one. That you were right to start with. They will naturally see it as a sign of dignity that you held your ground and did not get easily agitated by their refusal to side with you.

Difficult people may even tell you they won't side with you even if they believe you. This is from an outside factor. A past trust barrier, a conflict in interest, or some kind of hatred towards the other. At this point in time... you should stand down. Don't admit that you are wrong or let them know that you are standing down, just don't mention the matter any further. Prove your statement in your actions from that point on, not your words. Patience will reap the ultimate reward... but you have to hang in there. You MUST be the stronger person by holding back.

-quixotic-

The Apathy

It is like being in neutral. Like having your thoughts put to a stop and putting your dreams on hold. The indifference that swells in you will eventually burst and you will have to vent if off somehow... just know that it will not be pretty.

Suppressed emotions can hide who you are and what you could become by keeping others from seeing the real you. Of course they do see a stable you, but when your time comes, you will implode and you will come crashing down in a mess of fear, anxiety, and stress built up from over time. They could also prevent you from solving problems by not letting yourself put any emotion into your thinking. You think you can be healed from all the damage that has been done to you be standing your ground and holding everything back from everyone? Don't count on it. As humans, with souls, we MUST have a form of release. No one can go without letting some steam off occasionally... it just isnt healthy.

Apathy is a lack of concern, a continual suppression of important feelings, and an indifferent state that cannot be broken usually by any means except for your own will. Put your heart where you like, just know that if you want it healed, you have to believe in time's healing power and the importance of putting the past behind you. It is understandable if you may be hesitant to do so, but also know that time moves faster than you will be able to keep track of. Years will go by and you will instantly realize that there is a pressure building up inside you that HAS to get out if you are going to move on to the next stage of your life.

-quixotic-

The Chance

There is always one chance to make things work if you have been given the opportunity to... any more than that is only because someones heart is really there for you. There is a lot to lose in a great relationship. Not everyone has the motivation to keep everything flowing smoothly all the time. There is always a thousand other chances for you to screw things up whereas there is still only one chance for you to make it work.

One little mistake can get you into a heap of disgusting looking trouble! Stay out of that position if at all possible. Its a dog eat dog world and everyone is just trying to do what they feel like they have to do. There are people who completely ignore their own morals just to fill another void. There are people that stand their ground quite firmly but when a situation comes up that puts them in danger, they abandon ship on everything they believe in. Chances are, you have had something similar happen.

I don't at all condone drug or alcohol use... in fact I suggest you steer clear of both all together. But through every trial, you are made stronger. I have swam up shit's creek against the current in a terrible thunderstorm and somehow made it back to dry land again. And it is the absolute driest earth I have ever stood on. I have never been so firm in what I believe. It is almost like I've been given the chance to start learning all over again, building better standards for myself, working out the rough spots in my life.

I used to be the kind of guy that sways around, following everyone around's actions, hoping I would be accepted by them. I used to be the kind of guy that would do some bizarre things for attention... and it usually worked. I used to live life as close to the edge as I could get without killing myself. I used to probe around at parties, seeing who had the goods and make sure they made it into my body... its the life of a hardcore party animal. Someone who parties day and night, not caring what happens next.

But I got a chance to turn things around. It wasn't a literal chance, it was the kind of chance where you find hope for yourself and you follow through to see where it leads you. Well so far, so good. I've been on a good path, sorting out problems from the past, and correcting little things about myself as I go. The only good thing about having to deal with consequences that can hurt you, is that you will never have to worry about making the same mistakes again. Most of us are mature enough to realize that if we put anything metal in the microwave, then the outcome is going to be all bad news. I am sure almost everyone has done it at least once... but after that, you come to the realization that if you decide to do that again, then you are going to have to pay the consequences. So it becomes more of a habit than anything else to remove the spoon or fork from your bowl of leftover lasagna before inserting it into the microwave.

So to close I would like to say, first chances can help you express who you are and possibly hide all the bad things about yourself, making it so it seems these bad traits never existed... like a fresh start. Second chances are usually given after doing something to break trust or show yourself unworthy and then the other person believing that you could make a change for the better. In a way, it is more unlikely for these bad things to come up ever again if you have had to face the consequences of your actions. So the second chance can be golden... but don't mess it up the first time around if you haven't lost that chance already.

-quixotic-

The Update

So I made you mad and said something that shook your world. I am truly sorry. There are alot of things on my mind right now and my entire future is one of them. Unfortunately, you are the only friend I have so if I mess things up with you, then I will be completely alone. That is my incentive.

Stress can be pretty difficult to deal with at times. You just want to throw it in the corner and avoid it but either way, you are going to have to solve the problems sooner or later so why not do it sooner?

There is a little baby girl sleeping in front of me. She means everything to me. Unfortunately I have missed a good portion of her life already and I'm making an attempt to at least get back in her life. I love her with my heart and soul... she is my princess. But I feel like there is still a huge burden on my back even though I have cleaned up my entire life. The one friend I do have is one that hates me and doesn't trust me. The only people I really have to encourage me right now are my parents and they have done more than enough already for me.

I just wish I could have my best friend back. I'm lonely, I'm sick of not having anyone to share my emotions with, I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself every day, I'm done being so depressed that I don't even want to get out of bed, and I cannot stand to see my life fall apart again. It cannot happen. Sorry I am such a downer... just had to let off some steam.

-quixotic-

The Compilation Vol. 1

-Internally, I am a new breed of expressionist awaiting the day I will be set free from the deprevation of the proper tools.
Externally, I am a cold and dark stone being kicked around by the feet of careless travelers, awaiting my day to be pushed into the earth.

-A believable situation is that of a true sacrifice and a clear minded decision revolves around the factual reality of the matter.

-Overly protective of my own thoughts, I burrow deep in my own mind to pull out the data that I had somehow lost along the way. Was it I who filed these memories so deep in my brain or was it the anebriation; the monster of bad decisions, the beast of our inner selves, the changer of minds, the temporary healer of pain, and the inhabitor of many.

-Pain changes our insight on a man. It forms its own opinions and destroys our ability to forgive and trust again. Pain relieves all compliance with happiness and the sidenotes that our minds once thought about destiny will have been shot down in entirety.

-By dilluting our own brains with deterrents of chemical matter, we make a proclaimation of hopelessness. With glasses raised to those who are weak, we toast to you in memory of all the times you gave up on not only yourself, but those around you as well. We toast to the inevitable destruction of yourselves without purpose or reason to be. We toast to the continual believers in mind alterations for a prolonged period of time. And we toast to those who have abandoned their true loves for the love of a perishable matter and mind state. Cheers to all of you hopeless idiots. I will be in a better place from now on.

-Dwelling not only on past tribulations, but also on future doubts and misplaced trust... She unburies the lies, only to find truth in a greater love and a promise that cannot be broken by any means. Undoubtedly, He stands on his grounds for achievement and integrity, unable to be moved by any thing or person.

-Peace is an attribute of a chemically altered lifestyle. At no point in time should any one person in their filth free mind believe that anything on this earth is at peace with anything in itself. There is no peace, understanding, or devotion. Peace was lost when the battles began. Understanding was forgotten when the religions parted ways. And devotion had been lost since the integrity of all mankind was destroyed.

-Revisions all across the board. Bestow what was rightfully yours.

-Sadness embraces this new plan in order to regain a long lost trust. Happiness draws nearer every day to sweep lonliness and despair from their shallow drowning place and return them to their graves.

-An unordinary, unnatural, and profound attraction to her pulls and scratches at my soul... making me believe that love does, in fact, exist to a more full extent then I would have ever believed. My body aches for her presense. My fingers shake in constant anxiety for her return. Her heart has knocked so many times on my heart's door only to be ignored like that of a survey taker on a sunday afternoon. My door is open now, and whenever you are ready to return to me, I will not only let you in the door... but I will also provide you with a permanant place of residence.

-Improbability drives the weak to halt. Destiny confines the strong to a single solution. But independence opens the mind of both the weak and the strong to a new future, a better tomorrow, and a resounding perfection.

-Do not be distracted by the rear view mirror, for it is the road ahead that you should be paying attention to.

-Given a small seed to succeed, may bring forth a great amount of fruit.

-Washing away the guilt and shame unleashes a new and powerful self.

-Empowerment. Imagine the lost finding their way home. Imagine the weak finding an opportunity to become strong. Imagine the sick becoming well again. Imagine hate evolving into embrace. Imagine empowerment.

-Killing the demons is one thing. Keeping the new ones away is quite another.

-Disgrace is in the eye of the mistake maker.

-A friend deteriorating is a friend in need.

-Blasphemy is in the eye of the self destructive.

-To commit to someone is like putting yourself in a safety deposite box and only that person has the key.

-To harness undying anger towards someone that has hurt you is to pull the cord on being able to forgive them.

-For every scratch there is a cut, and for every cut a scar. For every scar there is someone sick. And for every sickness in someone there is someone else dying. For every person dying, there are already two more dead. And for every two deaths, there are three births. so the cycle continues.

-"In case of fire, do not take the easy way out."

-"Sober" is a godsend. "Clarity" is at way.

-This will be my definitive choice. At last... my brain ceases to wander.

-I have altered my state of mind, and I have distorted my definition of reality. I have wondered into other dimensions, or so it seems, and found nothing but hate and destruction. There are boundaries that need not be crossed. I pushed my way through good people and straight to the source of this crumbling city's scum and wasteland. All burdens lifted, I rejoice in my clear minded state and slowly pull my way from the garbage in which I resided.

-Into beautiful oblivion my heart of stone has been banished. In time, my lifted spirit will pull me through and guide my dreams to accomplishment.

-An uneasy statute should be treated the same as a agreeable one.

-quixotic-

The Waiting

Waiting on love is like waiting on a plane to take off. You sit in the plane and just as your about to lose all hope, the pilot lets you know to fasten your lap belts and the stay-where-you-are light blinks on and off. Of course love is not an airplane and it does not always have a chance to take off. Then if it does take off, there can be some occasional turbulence during your "flight".

So waiting for love is pretty difficult. So? It all pays off when that flight lands so it is worth the wait. I'm going to be waiting for a while for love to come back to me. And I am a pretty impatient person. But I know it will be worth the wait after a while. Lets hope my flight actually decides to take off.

Despite the fact that I've done nothing but good and done everything I needed to be doing for the past 2 months, it doesn't seem to make much of an impact. But Ill still be patient. Like I said before, Ill wait a thousand lifetimes for this if I have to. Its my only option really. I have the confidence, the motivation, the determination, and I have no intentions at all of screwing anything up. That should not be too hard, right?

-quixotic-

The Cold Turkey

Most people can quit almost any habit on the spot. It just takes incentive and some amount of motivation. But quitting is quitting. There is always a chance of the quitter picking back up the habit again, and that is where most people encounter problems.

What was the reason you found to quit your habit? What was the reason you started? What made it a habit? How long had it been a habit? Think about these things before you even consider quitting your bad habit and get rid of the source of the problem before trying to fix it yourself.

People drag other people down. No matter where you go, there will always be someone with a greater influence over you than you have on them. They can pull you to do the things that they believe are acceptable, thus, making you believe that they are also acceptable. Don't let anyone influence you first of all. Think for yourself and what is best for you. Just because they do it and they have a great life or appear to have a good time, does not mean that you will too.

Stop doing what you are doing for yourself first of all... I am sure it isn't healthy in the least bit. Then stop doing it for those around you and for the sake of the people you have influence over. You could be a highly influential person and not know it.

Its not an easy task and it may take something big to get you to realize that you need to change, but when you do find your grounds for quitting, hold on to it for dear life... and never let it go.

-quixotic-

The Intoxicating

The effects of intoxication on the human mind are unpredictable. After time and prolonged use of any substance, even morals become bendable and breakable terms and conditions. Every time you sip a beer, every time you hit that joint, every time you blow a line, your brain becomes one step closer to mush.

Most of you have probably been to some parties, maybe more than you should have, maybe not. The point being, you have seen people that are so belligerently drunk or high that they cannot even function in any way. When they talk, it sounds like a toddler, when they walk, it looks like they are made out of jello. Coincidentally, that was me at one point.

After being in the same state for a while, my brain started falling apart basically. I started caring less and less about the important things. My morals were all out of whack and my braincells were practically falling out of my ears. Its horrid to think that you could be considered clinically insane just because of some substance abuse but I would say I more than surpassed that point. I had no reason for being the way I was being except that I thought I could get away with it and I was so terribly careless to start with that nothing would have mattered... not a single thing.

One small careless mistake and result in a consequence that lasts the rest of your life. One slip can be the downfall of you completely. My advice: Stay away from parties, alcoholics, anyone that uses drugs, anyone who is careless, anyone who seems to make small mistakes continually, and anything that could distract you from what is really important in life. Parties are fun, they are wild, you get you your rush, and you go home just as cool as you were when you walked in the door of the party. You gained nothing and lost some braincells. Congratulations. Maybe you should have a metal?

-quixotic-

The Root

Shaded autumn brush piles eventually cover with the sleet and snow of the brisk winter skies. A darkened sky that resembles her feelings for me bring shadows all across the land in which I live. My heart beats strong and hard for her, yet she feels nothing similar. My hands tremble with dismay. Truly, something must be done. There must be a certain way to ignite the flame that burned so hot, at one point, inside us both.
But at once, the fresh spring air flows through the fields and moves the newly green leaves on the trees. A new spirit rises up in me as I take the first step into this completely restored landscape that stretches from me to you. A warm breeze lifts the sleeves of my shirt as I raise my arms in disbelief. Now that I can see the ground for the first time, I will be searching for the root of it all. I will recover what was lost long ago.

The Questions

Imagine: you are driving along during winter and you pass a pond. You notice that there is a young child struggling to get out of the ice water. Obviously, you feel obligated to help. Note: the water is only about a foot deep. You wade through the ice and freezing water to the child and save his life. He is very grateful as are his parents. By wading through the water, you ruined a sixty dollar pair of dress shoes, tore your eighty dollar pants on a rock underwater, and gave your jacket to the boy for warmth. Despite the fact that you ruined all these perfectly good clothes amounting over a hundred dollars, you felt good about your decision and would have done the same thing in any situation. But would you consider donating even half of the amount that those clothes cost to a charity that could save more than one child? Would you even take into consideration the irony of the matter if I had not just told you?

People are selfish until they experience things first hand. But not everyone can have an eye opening experience such as this. Sometimes before we can understand or realize something, it has to be used against us or put in front of our us like bait. Basically, we have been equipped with a number of survival instincts that can in turn make us not only selfish or greedy, but we can entirely lose our minds over nothing more than a desperate attempt to make it in this world. Money is not enough to make anyone happy anyways. As much as we would like to hold onto it, we could get an even more incredible sense of satisfaction out of it if we use even the smallest amount to save lives.

I am not trying to get you to donate money to a charity. That is not my place to ask you to do anything of the sort. But remember that ironic situation next time you decide to buy something completely and utterly unnecessary.

The Hopeless

What hope is there if you are not given any proof that it exists. Why would you believe that it exists if you cannot see or hear that it does. In an uncertain world with uncertain people devouring each other all across it, there is very little hope that is certain. In an unbelievably unstable generation we live in, there is very little available resources for finding certainty in anything but yourself. Hopeless? More than likely. Give up? Not until the last straw.

Hopelessness can be keyed off by several emotions and signs. The emotions being depression, anger, sadness, and self pity. The signs: confusion, indifference, conveyance of something better, implications of hopelessness or indifference, and reflection on mistakes.

Although all these things are perfectly avoidable with just a little self confidence, you will be approached by them all nonetheless. There are states of mind that can drag you to the deepest and darkest despair you could imagine merely from a reflection on a mistake or having pity on yourself. You cannot do this! Hopelessness is dissolved in a solvent called confidence. After being dissolved, it remains in the back of your mind. It will never go away completely. One false move could bring it all back.

Technically speaking, hopelessness could be considered a mental disorder. Some people are so careless and hopeless that their choices are nothing but go-with-the-flow movements and decisions. There is no medical or prescription treatment for this... its a self esteem problem above all else and must be fought hard. Do not give into hopelessness ever. Clear your mind from frustrations and think through what is going on from a bigger perspective. Is anything really worth that kind of pain and frustration? Is your hopeless spirit even worth fighting or should you just give up? Make it a priority to sort through your troubles with your brain, not your heart. Make it a priority to see things for what they really are, not what they used to be or what they could be in the future. The present is the only time you can make mistakes... try to avoid as many as possible.

-quixotic-

The Fate

Fate- the will or principle or determining cause by which things in general are believed to come to be as they are or events to happen as they do : destiny. My favorite part about fate is people's denial that it even exists. Most religious people believe in destiny or predetermined paths but there are people that hate to admit that their future has already been planned out. They like to take each day one at time and not think too far ahead to the inevitable or what was meant to be.

Do I believe in fate or destiny? Yes. I don't feel like anything in my life has gone the way it was planned to go... as if I have been fighting fate the entire way. I believe in change and stability after struggle but when it comes to a pre-established future, I would like to think that I have one but I know I would probably end up fighting it again if I relied on that belief alone. I would love to have all the answers to everything in my life but its just not possible. You make your own fate. It doesn't fall into your lap.

So fate can be a strong word. You meet someone and fate is brought up. "We were destined to be." How do you know its not physical attraction? How do you know that the two of you are compatible with handling all the lemons life has to throw at you? How do you know that person loves you like you love them? Where do you draw the line between fate and compatibility? Like a bullet through your brain, you think over your entire life and all the aspects and traits of yourself to determine whether this statement is true. Its tough to realize when you find fate.

Fate. Is it real or not? Yes. Fate exists. No, not everybody falls into the arms of their fate, not everyone follows what they were meant to do, and not everybody gets the chance to even meet their fate or even know what it is. Fate can be distant and may not come to you until you are old. Fate can be noticed rather quickly and early on in your life. Fate can be avoided, fought, followed, ruined, displeasing, very pleasing, or even unfortunate. Fate exists but not everyone gets to follow their dreams and what they were meant to do or be with the person they were meant to be with. "Life Goes On..." -Robert Frost-

-quixotic-

The Careless

I want to address carelessness from an experienced point of view. I have been careless the majority of my life. From as far back as I can remember, most things I needed to get done were brushed to the side unless I got some kind of enjoyment out of them. I've been a careless son, a careless brother, a careless boyfriend, a careless father, a careless friend, a careless grandson, nephew, employee, careless driver, writer, drinker, smoker, and just about anything else you can see under the sun.

Truth be told, you cannot force yourself to care about anything. You can't just wake up in the morning and say, "Hey! Maybe I'll start caring about things today." Unfortunately no one can do that. But you can, in fact, start forcing yourself to do the right things and when you see the outcome, (which is going to obviously be good) you will start to genuinely care about everything in life!

Carelessness comes in all shapes and sizes. The statement may come up, "if you REALLY cared about me, you wouldn't have done that." Well yes and no. Yes because its true... you couldn't find a reason to respect that person enough to do the right thing. No because you can care about someone and not care about yourself. So you do what you want and selfishly disregard every care in the world.

Some people just don't care about the same things as others which also throws difficult situations your way. Better to care about something than nothing at all and better to care about everything than just a couple things. Reason being, the more careful you are about things, the better they will turn out. The more carefully you add ingredients to your cake batter, the better the cake will taste. The more carefully you change the oil on your car, the less likely you will be to have stupid mistakes occur like forgetting to replace the oil plug. It goes the same with just about everything.

“Short as life is, we make it still shorter by the careless waste of time”
-victor hugo-

The Manipulator

People manipulate other people to get their way... its human nature. The problem with manipulation is that usually when you are manipulated into doing something, you will generally regret it later on because it was not your choice so to speak. You let someone else decide for you. You let someone else use their brain to make your decision.

Manipulation operates itself naturally in most cases. Most people do not mean to be manipulative, but they are. Like I said, its human nature. Individuals may never even realize they are being manipulative until multiple people bring it to their attention. Even then, manipulation is so habit forming that it becomes difficult to stop doing it! Its a problem almost everyone has at one point or another.

One person wants one thing and someone else wants something entirely different. In some way, the two are linked to that decision and it becomes a battle of the minds for each person to get their way instead of the other getting theirs. Obviously, this can create more than enough unnecessary pressure and argumentation.

Sometimes, dreadfully enough, it is best to just let the other person have their way... even if it seems like a terrible choice to you. In most cases, everything will work itself out and you will avoid lots of frustration and anger. You may be a little disappointed at first but over time you will see that it prevented a lot of bad emotions from stirring up.

But there are also times when it is necessary to fight for your opinion to be heard and acted upon. There are times when the other person is completely and utterly blinded by emotions, substance abuse, or any other kind of stress in their life. Letting go of your opinion to something against what you believe is difficult and it doesn't take much to stand up for what you believe in. Use discretion next time you decide to fight over something. If it is something small and pointless, let it go. If it is something that could affect you for a prolonged period of time, think wisely before you start yelling obscenities and placing your vote.

The Spectacular

There may be moments in your life that are incredible, but only last a short while. There may be things you laugh about, but only for a split second. There may be things that you find fun to do and you wished you could do them all the time, but you cannot. These spectacular moments are the little things that keep us going. These are our fuel to life's fire. These are the moments that bring out the best in us and keep us going strong.

A spectacular moment could be spending time with that special someone, playing a game you love to play, watching a show you love to watch, or doing some other hobby or activity that you have a passion for. These things give us the rush we need or the laugh, smile, or amusement we need to get us through the day without having a nervous breakdown.

But life is not always about the spectacular moments. Life is a learning process. Whether we want to or not, we will learn something new every day. Our brains are constantly taking in information and sometimes bad things will come our way. We all know that bad things are everything but spectacular moments and they may even prevent us from having a good time. I found what makes me happy in life... I found what makes me tick... and I found what drives me to succeed. So no matter what happens throughout my journey on this earth, I will always know where to go to find my peace and happiness.

She is a spectacular girl and we have a spectacular daughter together! Everything I feel about them both is spectacular and that is what gets me through my day, not worrying about what is going to come my way because I know that they will always have the power to make my day better. I love them. And they are truly... spectacular.

The Loving

What makes the undesirable amount to pleasure? What makes the unsatisfiable bring satisfaction? Unending, unfailing, true and full on love. What has the ability to change someone into something incredible and build someone's emotional strength to its highest? What is one of the most powerful words that could ever be used in the English language? Love.

Love is and always will be the most powerful and impacting emotion on the planet. There is nothing that can stop true love from accomplishing what it needs to get done. Love can break down any walls, stomp through any fears, and set your soul on fire with passion and admiration.

Truly loving someone takes dedication, sacrifice, and patience. The rekindling of a love that has faded away always ends up being more powerful and amazing than it was before. Words of advice- If you fall in love and you absolutely, without a doubt in your mind, are committed to that person and want them to have your whole heart... Do not, whatever you do, take them for granted at any point in time. Look past the arguments, the imperfections, and the letdowns in the relationship and focus on that person for who they are and for what kind of joy they have the ability to bring to you.

Love can be a terrifying thing to experience, especially at a young age or if you have never been in love before. It may cause you to doubt, to deny, and to seek out reason to convince yourself that you are not really in love. But true love always finds you in the end. You will know over some period of time where your heart belongs and if the connection you share with that person is irreplaceable, then devote yourself to making that person the happiest person on earth. With every cell in your body, allow yourself to fully ignite your passion for them and give it everything you've got to keep them around. There will be trials and misfortunes, but through everything, you will only become stronger together.

-quixotic-

The Hatchet

Putting the past behind you can be extremely difficult. But the past is a restraint that none of us need to rely on. The past does not determine what will happen in the future.

By dwelling on our past, we are hanging on the the very imperfections that were created by us in the past. Moving forward and tucking the past away, deep in our conscious minds, is one of the most powerful tools to achieving most anything. The past will forever be an enemy to us. Good or bad, fair or unfair, wonderful or miserable, our past must not be looked upon as a current determination of who we are or who we can become.

Dwelling on the past can also lead to future problems and frustrations with almost anything. To move on we must first establish that the past can never be erased. The next step is to forgive either yourself or whoever needs to put the past behind them needs to forgive and you/they need to look forward with no intentions on returning to the past even in your mind.

Just because something happened before, does not mean it must continue to happen. Just because you were treated unjust does not mean that the person that treated you unjustly will continue to do so. Over time, life will pull itself through and our past will ultimately become irrelevant to the future.

-quixotic-

The Curse

"Why do bad things happen to good people?" It is a question that has existed since the beginning of mankind. Well the answer is very simple actually. On this earth we are all entitled to our own free will. There is no luck, no karma, and no way to be immune to bad things. No matter how good of a person you are, you can just as easily have something terrible happen to you as anyone else. Its the bad people you need to worry about. Bad people help bad things happen to other bad people and good people as well. Comparing good people and bad people may seem a little childish and difficult to express in a more mature way but simply put: "bad things happen to good people because of bad people and chance."

But then we have to put religion in its place. Christianity states that once God's law was broken in the garden of eden that Satan had free rule over this world. Diseases came into existence, sickness, pain, suffering, and death all came into being after God's one rule was broken. Bad things happen to good people every day because this world is filled with sin and people with sinful nature. Diseases and illnesses are all direct result of the initial sin. No christian is any more exempt from bad things happening to them than anyone else is. Some other religions believe that all things happen for a reason, good or bad and that life has planned for all these things to happen. Well that is true but would that not take away your ability to choose freely on things? Everything that happens on this earth was already thought of and planned out by God himself. He did not intend for it to go any other way.

People make bad choices, and later on they will most likely regret them. Some bad decisions have an unsolvable outcome and some can be corrected. Sometimes a small mistake can result in a huge consequence. Sometimes a big mistake can result in no consequence at all. It is nothing more than probability and chance. Some people deserve the worst and receive blessings instead. Some people put their whole heart into something and get slapped in the face in return. Life is not fair most of the time because everyone acts differently. No two people are alike and when you come in contact with some of the wrong people, the chemistry can be fatal.

So back to the original question, "why do bad things happen to good people?" Well in my eyes, bad things happen to everyone to some extent. No one on this earth has better luck than anyone else, but they may have better chances of avoiding bad results. Again, life is not always fair and if you did not do anything to deserve the cards you have been dealt, it may be time for you to turn to God for help.

-quixotic-

The Antidote

To break free from all bondage of pain and suffering, to release our inner emotions into a big new world, and to allow ourselves time to heal from emotional scarring. These are all things that everyone on this earth must confront at some point or another. The time has come to unveil the antidote: Insight. People's opinions are conforming, varying, biased, and conditional. Your own opinion is priceless and the opinion that counts. Insight on situations, circumstances, and decisions help us better form our opinions based on proven facts.

The factor that makes or breaks a fact from being true or false is a trust barrier. Trust in something unknown and unproven is difficult. Trust in something that has been disproven previously can be even more difficult. But in dealing with a changing world with changing people that reside inside it, there has to be an unbiased, unconditional, and sometimes challenging point where you analyze the situation for what it is in fact, not opinion. Proven fact and time work together to increase the stable trust in a bond or relationship.

To coerce someone to trust you based on your own knowledge and personal insight is nearly meaningless. The majority of all people base their trust in things that they can see and touch. Physical things that are one hundred percent in tact with the reality of truth. It takes nothing more than a few flips of your calendar or maybe even a few calendars to establish this physicality once again. Regardless of the situation or circumstance, reality and truths change over time. The antidote is simple, free, and flawless.

-quixotic-

The Uncontainable

There is this uncontrollable, unstoppable, uncontainable impulse I have to make people feel appreciated lately. It is not me trying to suck up to anyone or even me trying to make people feel good. I just want the people I love to know how grateful I am of them and everything they have done and stand for. There is a lot of hatred going around these days that just doesn't make sense to me any more. I feel immune to illicit behavior and confined to my own cell of personal intervention. I have been feeling good about life ever since I cleaned up. I have started becoming more careful about everything in life. The words I use, the actions I demonstrate, the effects of my words and actions on others... all taken into perspective so much more clearly. I have a passion to improve. I have a passion to correct. And all these uncontainable impulses are inevitable. I am changing for a reason and I feel secure that nothing can hold me down at this point.

-quixotic-

The Inferior

There are many things that are less important than others obviously. The most important thing to me is my family. I know that no matter what the circumstance may be, they will help me through any problem in the world. They will never stop encouraging me and they will never let me fall down without telling me to get back up and try again. The inferior things in this life may mean the world to someone else. Some people try their hardest to make the most ridiculous things the highest on their priority list.

There are people that I care about very much. I love them with every square inch of me and as much as Ive let them down before, I wouldn't ever be able to do it again. I am improvising a stable lifestyle so that I can become in tact with a planned one. I am tearing down barriers that have stood strong against me for so long with nothing more than patience and dedication. Less things become inferior to me every day. The importance of what direction I walk in life becomes more obvious to me daily. Carelessness is the attitude of an uneasy, confused, and penetrated soul.

To see what has been blinded from you by emotions is the beginning of a new level of understanding. In time, every emotional blindfold is removed and the true understanding and compromise of the change from old to new is quite apparent. The process of life in itself will work on its own to reveal certain and uncertain truths to you.

-quixotic-

The Honesty

To be completely honest, I want to somehow let you know that my lies and betrayal are done and gone, never to be seen again. Honestly, I see you being the greatest decision and aspect of my life and I cannot tell you how sorry I am for taking you for granted. I know that our relationship, in the past, has been full of terrible arguments and unfaithful choices, but I assure you that time has passed over. There is a future to be established here that cannot continue to be corrupted by my bad decisions and I beg of you to see that everything that has happened prior to my changes are points of disgust in my eyes. I see them as being decisions that chain reacted into a bigger, more terrible problem and that was letting you go. I have never regretted anything more in my life than I do about denying what we had. I feel so guilty for disgracing the wonderful bond we had. I am imperfect, and I am human. As young as I am, I do not see it being to late for me to make drastic changes in my lifestyle and perception on life. Honestly, I have never been so sincere about anything in my life. There is doubt boiling all over inside you, I realize that... but I have already changed so much just for my personal well being. Why would you think I could not change even more just for you. The gratitude I have for you standing by my side and trusting me in the past is unconditional, unmeasurable, and constant. I have let you down a few times, and I have dug myself an even bigger hole in the process... but see me as who I am striving to be. See me as the man I have been trying so hard to become. See me as who I really am and not who I used to be.

-quixotic-

The Sculpture And The Thrown

I have abandoned my old for new, and let in the new with such an energy that I can almost taste the refreshing entertainment of a new territory on my tongue. The exhilaration of it all turns me anxious and a riot of love and devotion awaits its chance to escape this prison-like heart of mine. The exchange of my friendships, thrills, and rushes for the life of a stable, educated, striving man, has already begun to pay off with happiness and contentment. Yet a vital part to this sculpture of my new life is still missing. This part is broken, and needs repair before I make the decision to finish this piece of art. Undoubtedly, it is repairable, but does the part even want to be fixed? Does this part feel as if it doesn't belong? Who am I to know the destiny of such an abstract design, flailing about in my subconscious mind like a bird in search of its meal? Who am I to determine what is to become of this life in later days. Who am I to force upon this part to be a member of this creation? I am the creator, and I am the mind that brought the sculpture into existence. I am the one that has had to patch up the mistakes from past disruptions. I can decide whether I want to put the part onto the sculpture, but I cannot make it remain there. I cannot make it reside where it does not belong. A caring soul is yet to be seen by such eyes as hers. A brilliant change in perspective has been blinded from her mind to read. I stand here, upon my liars chair, and tell truths as if they were fairytales. Remove the label from this cursed thrown I have so intently sit upon for so many years and read me for who I am. This life, undoubtedly, has no time to spare for unconscious thinking. This life has no room for biased attitudes towards prior imperfections. This caring heart of mine remains within your grasp for as long as you so please.

-quixotic-

The Caring

So here I am, completely devoted and willing to change my every action for the rebuilding of a healthy, faithful, and magnificent relationship. The whereabouts of my trust with her are unknown and the pieces of our relationship that I have scattered and stomped on are now not only scattered but torn into even smaller pieces. The only rational thing to do is to start piecing those things back together. Right?

So here is the thing. I do care about her. I care about her more than any words could ever describe. But I feel like I am chasing a ghost. I feel like I am trying to rebuild a structure with bricks that do not exist. Security is one thing. But having at least a hint of knowledge that what your fighting for even has the ability to exist is an entirely different scenario. I do not deserve any kind of security in anything at this point in my progress, you are right about that. But when mixed messages hint to me that I am being strung along, I feel even more insecure than I would if I were being lied to. Well in fact, Its nearly impossible to even get the slightest bit of information out of her. I feel like I am interrogating her for proof that what I am trying to do is not a shot in the dark. I have all the time in the world darling... if you want to make me wait all that time, then I will. I see little signs every so often, then other times I feel as if all hope is lost. I blame myself entirely for these problems of course, but a little help would be splendid.

-quixotic-